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| RED BEAR'S JOURNEY April Issue 2006 A Newsletter by Red Bear (Kevin Dubrow LCSW) April 2006* Dedicated to those who ask questions because they are curious, kind & want to learn Dubrow & Associates * 3640 Prairie Ave., Brookfield, IL 60513 * All calls to 708.387.1210 _____________________________________________________________________________ Guns, Killing, Ammo, Impotency by Red Bear I eat meat. I grew up in Bronx, New York and have spent my adult life in the Chicagoland area. I have been labeled a “liberal” or even worse an ultra radical bleeding heart liberal; although liberal means open minded. By some random synchronistic act, I received in the mail a copy of Guns and Ammo. It is a frightening magazine. It is a scary magazine. On the cover is a picture of an ultra high tech pistol that could only be used to kill people. The feature story is “Varmint Gear: Rifles, Optics & More!” which is about high tech weapons to use in a massive war; I have never felt sorrier for varmints. In a recent Chicago Sun Times column, Andrew Greely writes with wisdom and passion that hunting is killing not a sport. He shares that sports have to have a level playing field and saying hunting is a sport would say that a pro NBA basketball player could compete against a junior high student. Perhaps a better example is that a pro NBA team with insane high tech automatic rifles with scopes and insane high tech pistols could hunt junior high school kids with plastic baseball bats. It is wonderful that many hunters eat what the kill. However, somehow, this seems like a rationalization and defense internalized by outer conditioning to cover up other deeper thoughts and feeling. Where is the morals, ethics, compassion, wisdom or Love in killing? Leaving hunting aside, it appears a vast majority of the weapons in this magazine is designed to kill human beings. The weapons, accessories and ammo are designed to murder people. Looking at the pictures and trying to read the articles made me feel ill. At times, I had to laugh at the absurdity of these high teach weapons, accessories and ammunition. It made me wonder how many of these weapons live up to their potential and murder people. Who gets this magazine? What is the obsession with murderous dangerous weapons? Does it make it better or worse that the magazine was supposed to go to a woman who is my neighbor? Does my neighbor get this magazine to actually be “informed” on what tool of death would be best to own? At the risk of being overly psychological, are these weapons about feeling powerless, inadequate, impotent, fearful and lifeless? Does looking at weapons or having weapons make one feel less fearful or impotent in their own lives? I’m not sure of the answers to these and many other questions. However, in the back of the magazine is a full page ad that reads “My Boyfriend’s SECRET… for Amazing INTIMACY!” In big print it further states, “I felt sensations I’d never felt before… in places I forgot existed.” (Those forgotten places were probably not her SOUL.) The ad offers a FREE MONTH SUPPLY. The text of the ad is so stupid that it is like a bad improv skit. However, maybe that is what guns are about. Are there truths, wisdom, Love in weapons that kill? NO!!!!! Perhaps the “right” to bear firearms needs to be replaced with wisdom and LOVE…. the “right” to be wise and Loving. And I’d rather be called a bleeding heart liberal then the other alternatives this magazine offers. _____________________________________________________________________________ Elemental Marriage Dedicated to my true Soul-Mate, Desert Lizard, on our first marriage anniversary by Red Bear When it comes to marriage, time is weird. Legally, it is five years I’ve been divorced; emotionally, the divorce took place years before. It feels like I’ve been divorced for decades. My (OUR!) Soul-Mate marriage just celebrated our first anniversary. It feels like our marriage is so sparkly new and has the roots, core and center of one that is together, in the best sense of the word, for decades. In reflecting and ponder on my first marriage and divorce and my (OUR!) Soul-Mate marriage, I have been humbly guided to wisdom that I will share within the holistic understanding of elemental energies. EARTH 1. One can not take their spouse for granted or allow themselves to be taken for granted. 2. Through the many necessary, vital conflicts and unnecessary, stupid conflicts of marriage, there must always be the core, roots, center, and stability of a best friendship. When the best friendship is over, the marriage is over and must either build a new best friendship or be emptied. 3. Marriage involves both of the spouses being on their own individual journeys and doing work (Sacred Work). The marriage must nurture, nourish and enrich each spouse’s individual journey. Both spouses must continually, ceaselessly work (Sacred Work) on the marital journey. (Robert Bly’s poem, The Third Body, is a wonderful compass and guide for marriage.) FIRE 1. Marriage is a passionate relationships or it is dead. Each spouse must have passion for their partner and passion for the marriage. Passion is very different than intensity. Intensity burns out each spouse and the marriage leading to numbness and distance or suffering and abuse. 2. Oh yes, there will be anger in a marriage. The hallmark of a marriage is how it deals with anger. If anger becomes a catalyst for change and growth then the marriage is on the true path. If anger is avoided, both spouses will suffer and the marriage will be numb or dead. If anger becomes rage and abuse, it must get urgent, emergency care help or it must end. 3. Sex is not very important in a marriage. Yes, you read it correctly. Sex is quite unimportant in a marriage. However, MAKING LOVE is vital and essential to a marriage. Higher Love Making is just as vital and essential as the physical expression of Love Making. WATER 1. There must be a flow in the marital relationship. The spouses must be in the same canoe whether it is in still water or white water. A marriage that is stagnant is a business partnership, at best, and an excuse to hide behind, at worst. 2. It is a lie to stay in a marriage because of the “kids’. It is a falsehood to stay in a marriage because of money. It is an illusion to stay in marriage for any outer reason or rationale. Staying in marriage because of FEAR is the biggest lie, falsehood, and illusion. 3. Busy-ness destroys marriage. Frantic, frenzied busy-ness is the greatest enemy of marriage. There must be time for the marriage to play, have joyful times, be silly, be silent together, and have globs and globs of time together (not only some prearrange scheduled “quality time” whether each spouse truly wants to be together or not). Further rampant busy-ness blocks a marriage from balancing intimacy and space; this is very different than closeness and distance. AIR 1. Each spouse must honor their partner. Both spouses must honor the marital relationship. Love is a shallow word when a marriage is not honoring. There is no honor when there isn’t trust and faith! 2. Marriages and each spouse must be celebrated (and not just on birthdays and anniversaries). The marriage itself needs to be a celebration. Marriages must create their own rituals and continually celebrating these rituals as well as creating new ones. 3. Marriage is a passionate, conflictual, flowing, honoring, celebrating, ritualized journey of two Souls that have the courage and bravery and trust and faith to be ONE… to be interconnected, interdependent, interrelated and, as Thich Nan Hanh shares, be in inter-are-ness. Marriage is either Soulfully sacred or it is mundane and/or profane. An additional note on LOVE: If one is not being LOVING and one does not feel LOVED the using of the word “love” is meaningless. LOVE is a delightful, wondrous, magical, mystical gifting that is ever so life affirming, life enriching and life enhancing. The gift of being LOVING and being LOVED is ever so nurturing and nourishing to each individual spouse’s Self and Soul. A final note about parenting: The best gift one can give their children is to be in a true, Loving marriage of best friend-Soul-Mates. The illusion that one’s parenting can overcome a bad marriage when all share the same space is a suffering causing one. A personal note: MEEGWETCH Desert Lizard for the healing, transformation and transcendence of our sacred marriage… what a gift it has been and is! _____________________________________________________________________________ TRUTHS (RULES) ABOUT SEX by Red Bear I am outraged and sad. As a human being, a man, a husband, and a father, I am outraged and sad. I am outraged and sad morally, ethically, emotionally, intellectually and Soulfully, My Warrior is furious. My Soul is crying. I just read in the Chicago Sun Times about the acquittal of a boy on rape charges. The article clearly indicated that the deciding factor in his innocence was a video-tape showing sexual activity of three boys with one teenage girl with all four being drunk at a party. I don’t know whether rape was committed legally. However, I feel that the girl was raped and the three boys were raped…their SOULS were RAPED! Having mentored human beings for over three decades and having in the past initiated and led an adolescent sexual abuser program for over 12 years, I have experience, feelings and TRUTHS on this subject. (YES, TRUTHS, not opinions or perspectives. Read Closing of the American Mind by Bloom who shares what each of us individually and all of us collectively lose as well as the suffering caused when there are only opinions and perspectives and no TRUTHS.) It would be too easy to just blame these boys and this girl’s parents, education, culture and society. However, blame helps no one, but ownership, responsibility and accountability is vital, crucial and essential. I am shocked, dismayed, outraged and saddened about how many teenagers (and in growing numbers every year) tell me about “parties” in their family’s home or friends family’s homes that are just gatherings to get drunk on alcohol, wasted on drugs or both. (By the way, there is absolutely no alcohol or drugs allowed in my home and it has been this way since 1978.) Some parents actually buy the alcohol. Some parents go on vacation “trusting” their teenager(s). Some parents are just in denial; they seek to escape, repress and suppress the truth about what goes on with their teenagers at these drunk-high-fests. Correct me if I am wrong, but drunk, high, wasted teenagers don’t always make the best decisions about anything, especially about sex and driving. Many teenagers justify their own drunk-high-waste-fests by citing their parents’ own behavior with alcohol and/or drugs as well as their parents adult “parties”. This is all very wrong, very immoral, very unethical, very troubling, very pathetic and very sad. Let’s turn to sex. In New York City, I used to give talks to teenagers in schools about SACRED SEX. I still give this message to every teenager and young adult I mentor. The message is that when one has sex it is not just their body having sex…their SOUL has to be able to have sex too. The message is that one does not have sex with another person’s body alone…they are having sex with the other human being’s SOUL. Sex without SOUL and Soulfulness can be momentary sensate pleasure, but it is, at best, nothing else, and, at worst, a door opening for suffering and abuse. Young people must be educated and an example set that sex is always a sharing of SOULS as well as bodies. Sex must always be not just consensual, but respectful, decent and honoring of both people. Let’s leave the SOUL out of sex (although I strongly do not recommend it, but it seems a great many young and not so young people do anyway). Here are a few simple TRUTHS. If you do not like the word “truth”, let’s call then rules. RULE ONE: Do not have sex when you have drunk alcohol or used drugs. One must be aware, alert, mindful and heart-ful when making decisions about sex. One must take ownership, responsibility and accountability for all decisions regarding sex. RULE TWO: Do not have sex with anyone who has drunk alcohol or used drugs. (I have many, many, many cases that would support these rules. The young adult I mentored who spent a year in jail after having sex with a woman who was drunk then charged him with rape would attest to this. By the way, he came a long, long way on his journey and is a wonderful teacher now.) RULE THREE: Do not have sex with anyone that you do not know will feel good about having had sex the next day. This means never (never ever) having sex with anyone that may feel used, misused, abused, or raped the next day. This clearly indicates that you better follow RULE ONE so you can be clear about this. Secondly, this clearly indicates that you need to be aware, alert and mindful about with whom and when you are having sex. RULE FOUR: Causing another human being harm or hurt to their body, mind or heart to get one’s own sexual pleasure is not only wrong, mean, immoral and sick…it is dangerous…very dangerous. Sex is not about causing pain. Sex is not about power. Sex is not about dominance. Sex is not about control. Sex is not about anger. Sex is not about seduction. Sex is not about coercion. Sex is not about submissiveness and passivity. Sex is not about FEAR. One RAPES their own SELF and SOUL when they cause another human being hurt, harm and suffering in order to have sex. RULE FIVE: Sex limited to positions, quantity, intensity and power is, at best, mundane and trivial sensate pleasure and, at worst, damaging with the potential for many serious problems and issues. Sex is about passion…a Soulful passion. Sex is about affection, gentleness, fondness, warmth, sweetness, sharing, sensuality and romance. RULE FIVE: It would be a good idea to learn the huge, enormous, gigantic difference between having sex and MAKING LOVE. Even if you follow all the truths (or rules), the vision for the journeyer is to go beyond sex to MAKING LOVE. Oh the joy and bliss, oh the delight and wonder, in MAKING LOVE. How wonderful it would be if LOVE and sex were and are shared experiences. _____________________________________________________________________________ Working People by Red Bear I am in line at a store and I witness a middle age woman yelling and screaming at the sales clerk behind the register. The store has the policy that if a price tag is off an article of clothing it can’t be sold till it is repriced and then it is available the next day. This woman insists on purchasing an article of clothes she says the price tag just fell off. When the manager arrives, the woman verbally assaults and attacks both the clerk and the manager I am at a restaurant and I witness a middle age man yelling and screaming at the waitress. Apparently, he had to wait a long time for his meal and it arrived too cold for his taste. When the manager arrives, he proceeds to verbally assault the manager and the waitress. I am at the car dealer and I witness a middle age couple both yelling and screaming at the customer service rep. The couples’ car was repaired the previous day and was still not working properly. When the manager arrives, he and the rep are verbal barraged at quite a shrill high intense pitch with many abusive words. I am not a patient person. I have worked on being more patient for over 35 years now. At times, I find I can be very patient and I am doing much better overall with patience. Other times, I return to my impatient being. However, my being impatient, does not give me the right to be disrespectful, rude, mean, crude and abusive…. so I am not. At times, I can be less then kind, but my being impatient, frustrated or disappointed does not give me the right to in any way verbally or physically harm or hurt another person. So when I witness people being disrespectful, rude, crude, mean and abusive to others it really impacts on me. Maturity involves being able to deal with, cope with, handle and manage disappointment and frustration. Further maturity directs one to being respectful with their anger… even when they are in the right. Clerks, sales reps, wait staffs, and many other people who deal directly with customers are HUMAN BEINGS. They are not machines. They are not punching bags. They are not solely alive to meet your needs, wants, requests, and demands in the way and speed you want them too. These human beings who deal directly with customers deserve and are to be treated respectfully. Ask the human being who is serving you how their day is… make eye contact….be kind. If you are having a bad day, at least, be civil and respectful. If they mess up, error, or make a mistake, it okay to be a Warrior, but it is not okay to be disrespectful, rude, crude, mean or abusive. You could be talking to my daughter who works with customers until she goes to graduate school and I wouldn’t want you to be disrespectful to her or anyone else for that matter. Red Bear on Mentoring (a continuing series) Uncertainty, Security and Anxiety A great deal of anxiety is caused by the need for certainty and security. Anxiety increases and increases as relationships, work, issues, and problems leads one to feeling insecure and uncertain. Being uncertain of who one is and what one is doing with one’s life creates much anxiety. Being insecure in who one is and what one is doing creates much anxiety. This anxiety can become panic and paralysis. Seeking to escape this anxiety that is generated by uncertainty and insecurity can lead to a wide variety of abuse (i.e. alcohol and drugs). • BUT what if the truth is we all are insecure and uncertain? I share with those a mentor that on their journey they will be confused 75% of the time and have clarity 25% of the times. However, even the clarity is not security and certainty. Even when one thinks they are secure or certain, or feels they are secure or certain, it wont last. One can no more hold onto security or certainty then they can thread water indefinitely. Most security and certainty are illusions that may temporarily help one feel comfortable till it is pulled away or drifts away leading to anxiety and suffering. Without undue anxiety, one needs to learn how to live with uncertainty. Without undue anxiety, one needs to learn how to be truly alive with all the uncertainties of life and insecurities of being alive. In one of the most important books I have ever read (and I read it initially in the early 1970s) is Allan Watt’s Wisdom of Insecurity. Watt’s guides us to understand there is no security or certainty. Trying to live by, attach to, hold on to, and cling to security and certainty only leads to anxiety provoking, suffering causing illusions. The journeyer seeks to empty the illusions of security and certainty with the truth of stability. Stability being an inner core, center, grounding and roots that helps us and guides us through the uncertainties and insecurities of life. This stability is the cornerstone, the foundation and hallmark of Self… not the ego (self), but Self. All anxiety isn’t negative. Fritz Perls guided us to understand that if we are anxious and we breathe we become excited. If we are anxious and we don’t breathe we become fearful, panicked, and paralyzed. (Great wisdom I have drawn from countless time with human beings with anxiety problems and phobias.) Anxiety is part of life and as long as we are alive it can’t be escaped. Many experiences, events, situations and interactions, especially new ones and ones that we feel deeply about, will lead us to feeling anxiety. However, anxiety does not have to become anxiety attacks, panic, fear or paralysis. The continually anxiety in the pursuit of security and certainty is anxiety that leads to suffering, health problems, and emotional problems. Through many tears of pain and joy, I have learned there is no security or certainty… so I breathe deeply, gently and smoothly a lot and journey with stability towards deeper stability. I utilize anxiety as a sign, a messenger and a teacher. This is also what I seek to guide others to understand and learn from in mentorship. _____________________________________________________________________________ No Teacher Left Standing * From the April 1st, 2006 * Flagstaff Daily Mirror Newspaper * reported by Reab Der The Center for Future Educational Advancement has issued its ten year plan for American public education entitled “No Teacher Left Standing”. The think tank that developed “No Child Left Behind” is dedicated to bringing education into modernity and ensuring the highest standard of educational learning of every student in the United States. The 457 page plan highlights the future of public education with the objective of standardizing curriculum, education and public schools in every city, suburb and rural school district in America. The plan is to bring a 56 inch plasma HD TV and high tech DVD player into every classroom. Every subject (i.e. English, Math, Science, History, Gym) would be on DVD discs with one disc for each class session; a wide variety of discs are available for different learners (i.e. AP classes, honor classes, regular ed and special ed) as well as for a wide range of electives. This would ensure a standardized national curriculum include standardized homework assignments, books, quizzes, projects and tests. There would be no need for a human teacher in the classroom. However, each classroom would have a trained monitor who would have the official title of Classroom Behavioral Manager-Disciplinarian. _____________________________________________________________________________ Insurance Companies Address Mental Health Coverage From the April 1st, 2006 * Sedona Daily Sun Newspaper * reported by Nivek Worbud The Mental Health Benefits Consortium for the Medical Insurance Corporation has issued new guidelines for insurance coverage for mental health benefits that will go into effect on April 1st, 2006. The new guidelines will affect most Americans who use counseling and therapy services and seek mental health coverage through insurance. The guidelines for mental health services (i.e. counseling services, therapy services) stipulate that all patients must be taking medication. The advancement of the pharmaceutical corporations in finding medication for every emotional and mental problem, issue and diagnosis have made this possible. The guidelines further state that patients can have up to 10 counseling or therapy sessions per insurance year. The guidelines mandate each counseling and therapy session be a full 30 minutes long. In order to qualify to be a counselor and therapist, besides licensure, the guidelines require that a cognitive-behavior model by used. The counselor and therapist are required to fill out an 11 page form for each patient and a 3 page form for each session. The counseling or therapy must have clearly stated behavioral objectives, clearly stated standardized quantitative measurements to assess whether behavioral objectives are being reached, and clearly stated quantitative methodologies for each intervention the counselor or therapist uses in each session. The Consortium’s extensive study of mental health utilization and effectiveness that would best serve patients concluded that with proper medication management and up to 10 cognitive-behaviorally focused sessions that almost all emotional and mental health problems, issues, and diagnoses can be alleviated. _____________________________________________________________________________ Ask me Questions By Red Bear Please ask me questions. Ask me lots of questions. Ask me trivial questions. Ask me meaningful questions. Please ask me questions. I will listen to your questions and do my best to share with you. I am struck by how rarely people ask questions. I don’t understand why people fail to ask questions. This is especially true of younger people with older people; it is far too rare for a child, teenager or, even, a young adult to ask question of an adult. This is all too often true about sons and daughters not asking their parents questions (unless they are told NO and they want to find a way to get a YES). I wonder if young people are conditioned to feel it is rude, impolite or intrusive to even ask adults questions; perhaps, many people at all ages feel they are intruding if they ask questions. I wonder if people, at all ages, are too preoccupied with themselves to ask questions. I wonder if people are so worried or concerned about not offending or getting disapproval they avoid asking questions. Perhaps, people are just not curious. Perhaps, people will settle for whatever others share and don’t feel they have a right or an opportunity to ask questions. Perhaps, people just don’t care to learn. I seek to always be questioning so I can learn, Asking questions demonstrates curiosity, openness, and a desire to learn. Awhile back, I did a workshop for honors English classes at a high school. I had the students, teachers, support staff and administrators read aloud a poem that had the word MEEGWETCH in it eight times. When I finished the poem there was silence. At my prompting, actually with lots of prompting, we discussed the many meanings of the poem. After awhile I stopped the discussion and I asked everyone did they know what the word MEEGWETCH meant. No one did. I asked why no one asked as they had said the word eight times aloud. One girl said that they had been taught not to ask and that if they needed to know something they would be told. A month or so later, I told about not being asked what MEEGWETCH meant at a workshop for teachers, support staff and administrators and not one person asked what MEEWETCH meant. Perhaps, we are trained and educated to not ask questions. Sadly, perhaps, curiosity is conditioned out of us. Perhaps, we are taught we will be told all we need to know. Learning is severely limited, if not totally blocked, when there is not a free flowing of questions. Asking questions expresses concern, interest and sensitivity. Further, asking questions is way of communicating kindness and compassion. In any conversation that doesn’t have both people asking questions, there is little if any true dialogue, connection, interconnection or communion. Invite, encourage and support others asking questions. Please be a ceaseless, persist, curious, seeking to learn question asker. Please then listen when another shares in response to your question. Perhaps, people don’t share as they also feel they won’t be listened to or shared with. Ask me questions and I promise to share. Young people please ask questions from your elders. Elders please ask young people questions. Let us all be pursuing learning and connection through questioning. When others ask genuine questions in a respectful manner, please listen and seek to share with them. As for me, please ask me questions! Spring is the season of wondrous rebirthing. Spring is the season of renewal and passion. Spring is the season for celebrating aliveness. Take a slow, gentle, flowing walk in Nature and witness the delightful beginnings of new life. Take a slow, gentle, flowing walk within your inner world and see what delightful new beginnings can begin to take place. … Red Bear A great way to for your school, your regular education and/or special education staff, your PPS team, or your department to start the 2006-2007 School Year. BEGINNINGS WITHOUT END: Passionate Self-Renewal for Educators Since 1978, this workshop, with constant updates and new additions, has been offered to outstanding evaluations and many standing ovations. The workshop offers tools and skills, laughter, stories, passion, surprises………. • To discuss or schedule this workshop (or over 40 others), call Kevin Red Bear Dubrow LCSW at 708.387.1210. _____________________________________________________________________________ Spring is the season for passion, renewal, rebirthing, aliveness, transformation… Mentorship can guide your outer and inner Spring. Mentorship for Teenagers, Young Adults and Adults. Kevin Red Bear Dubrow LCSW Mentor Call 708.387.1210 Thank you! Thank you! I appreciate all the feedback I receive from those who read Red Bear’s Journey. It is an honor that so many of you use what is in my newsletter in teen groups, in individual session with teens, in classes, with colleagues and with parents. Please continue to share with me about how you experience the newsletter. It is delightful to hear from you! Where counseling and therapy leaves off, mentorship begins. For guidance on the journey with/to/of Self and Soul for teens, young adults and adults, call Kevin Red Bear Dubrow LCSW at 708.387.1210. LOST AND FOUND For lost teens, young adults and adults, mentorship is a wondrous way to be guided to find your way in the outer world and in your inner world. Call Kevin Red Bear Dubrow LCSW at 708.387.1210. HAVE YOU REGISTERED??? Call 708.387.1210 ASAP to see if there are spaces to register for the May 5th, 2006 all day intensive training seminar: RINGING THE BELL: A Jungian Approach to Helping Teenagers with Anger, depression and Despair led by Kevin Red Bear Dubrow LCSW. ARE YOU SCHEDULING STAFF TRAINING FOR THE 2006-2007 SCHOOL YEAR????? Since 1978, Kevin Red Bear Dubrow LCSW has offered programs and workshops on over 40 topics/themes. All programs and workshops offer tools and skills, stories, laughter, passion and surprises. Programs and workshops can be designed to meet your specific staff needs. Call 708.3871210. Those who help others and those that teach others deserve the best of mentorship. Kevin Red Bear Dubrow LCSW is honored to be a mentor to many social workers, counselors, psychologists, educators and administrators. Call 708.387.1210. Tired of stress and anxiety? Tired of disappointment, frustration and anger? Tired of depression and despair? Tired of fear? Tired of a merry-go-around that keeps you stuck in the same place? Mentorship for teenagers, young adult and adults. Kevin Red Bear Dubrow LCSW, Mentor, Call 708.387.1210. A JOURNEY OF 2 DAYS TAKES 2,000 YEARS WITHOUT A MENTOR. …Rumi Call Kevin Red Bear Dubrow LCSW at 708.387.1210. Mentorship is my passion and vocation. Professional Development that leads to enriching tools and skills, enhancing wisdom and renewing passion, enthusiasm and joy. Call Kevin Red Bear Dubrow LCSW at 708.387.1210. |
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