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| RED BEAR'S JOURNEY March Issue 2006 A Newsletter by Red Bear (Kevin Dubrow LCSW) March 2006 * Dedicated to those who welcome and celebrate the rebirthing Spring offers Dubrow & Associates * 3640 Prairie Ave., Brookfield, IL 60513 * All calls to 708.387.1210 Would You Choose Your Life? by Red Bear “Julius understood Nietzsche’s words to mean he had to choose his life---he had to live it rather than be lived by it. In others words, he should love his destiny. And above all there was Zarathustra’s oft-repeated question whether we would be willing to repeat the precise life we have lived again and again throughout eternity. …Nietzsche’s message to us was to live life in such a way that we would be willing to repeat the same life eternally. from The Schopenhauer Cure by Yalom I reread this paragraph several times. It grabbed hold of me. The message and its meaning was like hearing thunder and being hit be lightning. Would I be willing to live the life I have lived and have again and again? Would I choose to live the life I have had and have eternally? I sat in quiet and silence as the question permeated by consciousness and penetrated into the depths of my inner world. Clearly, this question must be asked and the answer come from a powerful cauldron of truth. Would I be willing to live the life I have had and have over and over again? Would I choose to live the life I have had and have eternally? I am flowing and flooded with thoughts and feelings. Literally and metaphorically, my life was flashing before my eyes and echoing in every pore of my being. I relived so many parts of my life. My triumphs, successes, achievements, and attainments besiege my mind and heart. My mistakes, failures, errors, disasters, stupidities and ignorance attack my mind and heart. My hurts and hurtings, rejections and rejectings, wounds and woundings come forth. My bravery and courage, strength and determination, discipline and devotion (and the lack of these) play out before me like being at the movies. My talents, skills and gifts as well as my many lackings, weaknesses, and shortcomings are watched. All the relationships I have been in, all the loves, all the friends, all the mentors, all the adversaries and enemies take center stage. I am carried to my childhood, my family of origin, and my extended family. My love as a teenager, love as a young adult, my first marriage love and my Soul-Mate LOVE now storms into my awareness. My journey as a father with all three draughts over the past 24 years rises into my mind and heart. My schooling from kindergarten through Ph.D. and beyond is witnessed. My jobs before my vocational journey play out in my mind and heart. My vocational journey in many different settings and places as a social worker, therapist, counselor, consultant, workshop facilitator, teacher, professor, healer, guide, mentor, shaman…. My soulful, spiritual path from Synagogues, Hebrew School, and studies in Judaism to existentialism to studies of many religions and spiritual traditions to my journey with the ancients and ancestors of indigenous peoples around the world is observed. Would I be willing to live the life I have had and have over and over again? Would I choose the life I have had and have eternally? YES! The small voice within clearly says YES. The small voice grows louder and my ears, entire body, mind and heart loudly says YES. There is no doubt in this YES. My life as whole is what I would choose to live again and again for an eternity. I feel peacefulness and joy simultaneously. I feel pride, gratitude and humility all at once. WOW, the life I have had and have is the one I would choose eternally. Somehow, I am amazed and dazzled by this. This means I wouldn’t change anything because the whole of my life is what has led me to being who I am now. This means that I have been carried and trust and faith has brought me to where I am right now. Another voice comes up directing me to look at all the problems, hurts, woundings, pain, sufferings, rejections, betrayals, bad decisions, horrible choices, terrible experiences that have been part of my life. But the small voice within says YES once again that I am willing to live the life I had and have again and again. Somehow, my mind and heart realizes that all the “bad stuff” brought me to change, growth, transformation and transcendence that I have been gifted with. What my life has been carried me to the truth, meaning, wisdom and Love that my life is today. My past gave me the experiences I had to go through. My present life is the gift of the whole of my past life journey. There is gladness in my mind and heart. I will be carried to the future. I am sharing all this with an awesome adult mentoree who has come a long, long way on his journey. I ask him the questions: Would you willing choose to live the life you have had and have over and over again for an eternity? Would you be willing to have the life you have had and have eternally? He becomes quiet…silence. He looks within. He ponders and reflects. He ruminates. He says that is a question he will have to explore. He feels a bit overwhelmed and doesn’t have an answer yet. I await his thoughts and feelings on these questions. _____________________________________________________________________________ (I heartily recommend Yalom’s masterful book for all journeyers entitled When Nietzsche Wept be read first then read The Schopenhauer Cure. Yes, this is the same Yalom who wrote the best book on group therapy I have ever read in my over 35 years of working with groups, The Theory and Practice of Group Psychotherapy. I got to meet and share with Irvin Yalom many years ago as he was a close friend of my mentor, Emanuel Hallowitz.) Adults will find his books to be awesome for their journey. _____________________________________________________________________________ Red Bear on Mentoring A Continuing Series Words Deserve Attention Obviously, the foremost way the mentor and mentoree communicates is with words. In Jungian wisdom, words are extremely meaningful symbols. We each usually feel we choose our words and there is some truth in this. However, it is equally true, words quite often choose us and rise up from the unconscious. Each of us has many, many words: perhaps hundreds of words, to describe, explain or share about something, someone and ourselves. The mentor must pay close attention to the words the mentoree choices. The mentor must equally be aware, alert and mindful that words the mentoree uses and words use carry intention and meaning. There are many words that are, at best, problematic and, at worst, lead to suffering. Mentorees are guided to understand they do not want to believe in anything or anyone. Whatever one believes in, they will doubt. The roller coaster of belief and doubt leads to many problems, issues and suffering. Mentorees are guided to understand they do not want to have any hope. Whatever one is hopeful about, they will feel hopeless about. The roller coaster of hope and hopelessness also leads to many problems, issues and suffering. Mentors are guided to understand that belief and doubt need to be emptied and transformed into trust and faith. They are also guided to the realization that whatever they have trust and faith in, they will question and must question. The cornerstone, roots, core and grounding of mentorship is in trust and faith and questioning. The mentoree learns to have trust and faith and question mentorship, the mentor, their journey, themselves, everything and everyone. There are many, many words that are unclear, lack truth and lead to problems and suffering. Laziness and procrastination are two words that must be understood and emptied. When one chooses not to do what needs to be done, or what they want to do, they are making a choice. Perhaps, the only way they can stop constantly doing is by using the untruth of laziness or procrastination. Mostly, what passes as laziness and procrastinating, is immaturity and may even indicate more serious issues and problems. This is very true of the word boredom. Being bored is a pitiful excuse for failure to be imaginative, curious, taking initiative for learning, creativity, giving, sharing, connecting with others… I would suggest that people who are bored are boring, but I’d rather stay away from this untruth completely. Boredom usually comes from wanting, needing and desiring that others and the outer world be responsible for entertainment and pleasure. Constant boredom can be a sign of more serious problems and issues. Temper, as in he has a bad temper, is another word that carries no truth. What is usually meant by temper is an immature person who, at times, blows up and can be abusive because they can’t cope with disappointment, frustration, conflict and anger. The words I, me, mine, my and myself are words that can create many, many illusions can cause problems and suffering too, but this will be saved for another sharing. In mentoring, I find the words mentorees use to express themselves fascinating and provides a treasure chest of insight into the individual. The words mentorees utilize to share about others, life and themselves creates an incredible, radiating and illuminating picture far beyond what the mentoree may feel they are saying. Often, I will help a mentoree to understand what the words they are using are truly saying that they are not aware of. Deeply listening to the words the mentorees use requires a certain awareness and discipline. Of course, I am equally interested in the words I use and what pictures, symbols and meanings they have when I am sharing with mentorees. There is so much that can be gained by looking at the words one uses. Understanding words as having symbolic meaning is important in mentorship. I have trust and faith and question that words in this article will be understood. _____________________________________________________________________________ Red Bear on Mentoring A Continuing Series More, Different, Better In a mentorship session with a young adult, all his sharing is about how he must in all he does be more, different and better in order to feel good about his life. Further he feels that he as a person must be more, different and better in order to feel good about himself. We discuss this and he is strongly recommended to read Tolle’s books, Power of Now and The New Earth. He tells me I should write about this in my newsletter. I ask him what I should write about. He shares that from earlier childhood on that he has gotten the message that he must do more, different and better and he must as a person be more, different and better. He further shares that now he doesn’t need anyone else to say it that he has internalizes this voice. He is constantly saying to himself that he must do more, different and better as well as be as a man more, different and better. This MORE, BETTER, DIFFERENT VOICE leads him to feel anxiety, depression, frustration, anger, despair and fear. He feels this more, different, better voice from within takes away his confidence, energy, motivation, and determination.. Working to learn, change, grow and transform is vital to each of our journeys. However, this not the same as the more, different, better voices. The more, different, better voice thwarts, is an obstacle to and blocks learning, change, growth and transformation. The media, entertainment, advertising, sports industries prey on the more, different, better voices that our culture blasts at us from childhood through adolescence into adulthood and even as senior citizens. Unfortunately in our culture, many families, much of school and many religious teachings continually harangue us with more, different, better voices till it becomes one’s own inner voice. MORE! DIFFERENT! BETTER! The more, different better voices from outside us and inside ourselves takes away from our peacefulness and joy. They lead to much physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual anguish and suffering. They take away from our SELF-respect and honoring as well as taking away from our respecting and honor others and life itself. Empty, healing, transforming and transcending the MORE, DIFFERENT, BETTER VOICE WITHIN is vital, core, crucial and root work on a journey. It is a voice that robs us of the present moment and thieves away our Self and Soul. Suzuki shared You are perfect the way you are and you could use a little improvement. I get a big smile every time I reflect on this wisdom. When the inner voice of more, different, better is emptied, one has started on the journey to be carried to the spaces and places of acceptance, understanding, truth, trust and faith, wisdom and Love. Laughter is an empowering way to see the ridiculousness and suffering the more, different, better voice causes. Each of us must be aware, alert and mindful of our more, different, better voice and our requiring, demanding, dictating that others be more, different, better too. Emptying and healing the more-better-different voices within us in relationships in our outer lives allows transformation to the voices of enoughness and abundance. When everything and everyone, perhaps most of all ourselves, is enough then we can engage in meaningful change and growth to abundance. There is great peacefulness in enoughness and great joy in abundance. _____________________________________________________________________________ On the Titanic By Red Bear On the Titanic Beautiful iceberg you transform my destiny forms, possessions you transcend my fate How just it is a New Moon When the ship sinks does its former life matter There is an uncertainty in this death Played to a calm Sea Where the depths care not whether its reality or illusion drowning The lifeboats were much too small even if they weren’t full of holes of loves and loves lost The true danger is the opportunity Despair the fatal flaw in severing one’s head and stabbing one’s heart When Chaos invites dancing a most auspicious invitation There isn’t time for eulogies or wills as the Sea wont swallow them Whether of sadness or laughter, tears will do just fine This is not a burial at Sea as there is no body and nobody as there is no body and nobody to act the part of the hero, victim or martyr corpse More a celebration of spinning, twirling light and dark wetness A festival though unplanned is no less anticipated or appreciated All lost and nothing gained especially not hope or fear Perhaps, there is but one Who can swim above and beneath the frigid waters to return to a new ancient Home Alas, sinking ship you take not my SOUL _____________________________________________________________________________ Witness Spring by Red Bear Do not take for granted Spring will come trust and faith is awaiting Spring Perhaps, the greatest act of in the heart of Winter Do not be asleep messenger, voice for each sign, symbol, of Spring’s arrival Do not be so franticly lost in frenzied busy-nes You fail to witness, watch observe the tenacious death grasp of Winter losing its grip to the rebirthing of Spring Do not stay in the coffin of Winter’s dying Do not stay in a coma of suffering from what Winter took away Rejoice in the beauty the AWE of the new birthings of Spring of the changing Oh how true this is of the outer seasons Oh how true this is for the emptying of inner Winters and the transformation of inner Springs in the ebbs and flows of your life _____________________________________________________________________________ I am not Red Bear By Red Bear I am not Red Bear I am not Red Bear’s thoughts, feelings, roles, There is no I in Red Bear Red Bear is not me I am not owned by Red Bear and Red Bear does not own me I am not Red Bear’s past stories of successes and failures of triumphs and defeats of woes, fears, desires, of dreams, angers, hopes of being the hero, of being the tragic hero, the inept hero I am not a future Red Bear marching to achieve this goal and that objective Red Bear is not a creation of my ego or your ego Red Bear is not a creation of a culture that FORGETS that the outer is a manifestation of the inner that the true Self and Soul is the gift that the one is in/of/with the ONE Red Bear can’t be claimed in the lost and found of his illusions, your illusions or this culture’s illusions None of your “I”s or his “I” can create, label, define or destroy Red Bear Red Bear is unknowable by your I-Ego-illusions or his own I-Ego-illusions Truly, Red Bear is journeying Red Bear is being and becoming Red Bear is awake in the now Red Bear is alive in the now of Self and Soul along with an immense orchestra of other archetypes (voices) Red Bear breathes and is alive in the light and in the dark of the journey Home _____________________________________________________________________________ The Non-Reactivity of Silence by Red Bear Though outer events call forth The Warrior’s Sword of Truth and Shield of Integrity Making others aware that one’s body, mind, Soul will not be harmed or injured The journeyer understands silence is a most empowering path in the face of toxicity Alert, aware, mindful steps away from the saw mill’s blades Nothing to prove, justify, validate Even less to rationalize and defend Silence is a cave of warmth with a glowing hearth and fire that guides one to discern truth to keep at bay the frigid chill of illusions that create suffering How can one fight another’s story of woe told in a tumultuous attack mode Why apologize while internalizing shame and guilt for another’s nightmare projected onto you Return to the home of silence a sacred, stable space of peace where sorrow and joy can be embraced Flow in the slow moving waters of quiet and stillness Soar in the silent sky Other’s anger, scorn, rage, bitterness, resentment, disappointment, despair, fear Doesn’t require, much less deserve, an impulsive, reactive response If one can’t share truthfully enter the realm of silence (Be grateful and joyful for those one can truly share with whether that is in happiness or conflict) _____________________________________________________________________________ THE FINE TUNED INSTRUMENT by Red Bear He sits in his austere office in the next to the bottom floor. The whole building, or more accurately cave-like structure, is underground. Above ground is a simple shrine that has stood for over three thousand years. He can never come out of his office. He has an apprentice many years his junior that is his only company. He was once such an apprentice, but that was a long time ago. No one really knows of his existence. They get their food, clothes and supplies from those who believe they are leaving offerings at the temple shrine for God. How the man and his many, many predecessors always have technology at their disposal that is vastly, vastly superior to any above ground on Earth remains a mystery. The bottom floor is very securely locked and never opens. To any observer, the man’s job would seem completely overwhelming and incomprehensibly complex. However, the observer wouldn’t believe what he does anyway and there have never been and won’t ever be an observer. The man’s job is the most closely bound secure secret of the civilized world. Maybe at the very beginning, many people were involved in setting up the work, but now only the man and his apprentice knows. The process of there always being a new apprentice at the ready when the man dies and his then apprentice takes over is just as secretive and mysterious. Yet it all works and wow how it works. It works perfectly without flaw. The man’s job is to make sure everything works according to the plan. Everything must work without a hitch, shortcoming, error or failure. It is a very demanding, challenging job, but the man is well trained and, like those many before him, does a masterful job. The job is to make the system work. The job is to make civilization work. The job is to make the culture work. The man must make sure all institutions work as they are supposed to. The man makes sure that the system survives. Not everyone survives, but many hang onto mere survival; however, the man’s work provides comfort and pleasure for the people deemed to deserve this at that period of time. The job is to control the economies, governments, education and religions of all the nations on Earth, The job is to make sure there is just the right amount of war, violence, poverty, devastation, disasters, crises, illness, disease, fear, competition, hierarchies, abuse and despair to make the system work. The job is to ensure relationships, marriage, parenting, families, neighborhoods, communities, territories, states and nations all fit into the system. The job is to make everyone perfectly fit in as the system demands it does. The job is to make the natural world a resource for what the system dictates. The job is to make sure every thought, feeling and behavior makes the system work as it is should. All jobs and work of the people above ground are designed to make the system run smoothly. The system itself is far too complex to explain, far to intricate to get a handle on, and far to vast to intellectually understand. A small glimpse of the system can best be stated as involving but not limited to ownership of property, conditioning of thought and feelings, acquisition and transfer of power and money, and control and dominance over the Natural World and all its resources. To say the system works like a well oiled machine would be true, but wouldn’t understand how perfectly it is tuned and how perfectly it changes from minute to minute, year to year, decade to decade and century to century. The utter brilliance, shall we say amazing genius, of the work of the man to ensure the system is that no one---not a single being---has the slightest clue, the subtlest of hint or the smallest bit of knowledge that it has been, is and will be what dictates what occurs on the entire planet. The man himself is not a machine. However, if he were a machine, he would be the greatest machine by far on the Earth. Being busy around the clock doesn’t leave much room for a social life, except, of course, his crucial training of his apprentice, which isn’t really a social relationship. He is not devoid of feeling, but he can never allow his feelings or anything else for that matter to interfere with his work. His work comes first and, for that matter, second, third and on and on. He takes his job very seriously. His only anxiety or fear, if he had one, would not be that his work is even a tad less exact than absolute perfection and the system crumbles then falls apart; however, this worry barely ever enters his consciousness. He has absolute confidence that he will do his job, his apprentice will do his job and the system will work as it has in the past and will forever. Postscript None of the men who run the system or their apprentices for almost three thousand years knows what is locked in the bottom floor. It is only the people who set up the system originally that know and the keys to the many, many locks to get in are long gone. The rumor that goes from system manager to system manager is what is locked in the basement is the SOUL. _____________________________________________________________________________ Please Note There are no flyers in this newsletter for the Retreat or VisionQuest described below. There were flyers in the January-February Newsletter. If you wish more information on either of these experiences or to discuss registration, call Kevin Red Bear Dubrow at 708.387.1210 …deadlines are 3/24/06 for the Retreat and 4/15/06 for the VisionQuest. Soul Artist Retreat April 7-9, 2006 Devil’s Lake, Wisconsin for 18-25 year olds Found Wisdom VisionQuest May 11-14, 2006 * Sedona, Arizona for adult journeyers These are life changing, life altering, life enriching, and life transformational experiences. Are you being called? Is it time for you to empty, heal, transform and transcend? What great joy, pain, change and growth await you on this Retreat or VisionQuest!!!!!! _____________________________________________________________________________ Fairy Gifts by Red Bear “Daddy, do I have to go to bed. One more fairy story. Please. Please”. “No dear, it is close your eyes and dream time.” “But I love your fairy stories so, so soooo much. Please. Please then I will go right to bed!” “You already got two stories and it is time for sleep. Tomorrow, I’ll share the one about the Fairy Princess and the Ogre. You always love the Fairy Princess stories.” “Oh, the Fairy Princess is my favorite. She will take care of that bad, mean, old Ogre.” “Ok, here is a big kiss and hug. Now off to dreamland.” “Daddy, these kids at the playground tell me I’m a little baby. They say fairies are make-believe and only babies believe in them. Are there really truly fairies?” “Oh, yes! There are fairies. I feel sorry for those children. What kind of world would it be without fairies?” “Tell me the story of the Fairies and the Gifts… that’s my best favorite of all.” “You tricked me. Okay, but I’ll tell you a very quick version as you get to sleep soon.” In ancient times, long, long ago, fairies had no job at all. All they did was play and sing and dance and swim and fly. This was a time before human beings lived on the Earth. The fairies were always content and pretty much always happy. One day, there was a rumor that humans would be on the Earth. Fairies are quite a secretive lot and they didn’t want to share the Earth with humans. The Fairies all met to discuss what to do. After much discussion that took a very long, long times, as the fairies would take lots of playing-singing-dancing-flying breaks, it was decided the fairies would share the Earth with humans, but, for the most part remain invisible. Only the human with a pure heart, an open mind, a kind nature, great imagination and overflowing curiosity would ever see fairies and then only for a few moments or a mere glimpse. The Fairies decided to give the humans a gift for no other reason then fairies are very kind beings. They decided to give each human being a special GIFT. Though humans could develop or be taught many tools and skills and have different talents, they would each have one special gift that the fairies bestowed on them. Some humans received the gift of creativity, some the gift of a specific art, some a great thirst and aptitude for learning, some beauty of body and heart, some extraordinary kindness and compassion, some an amazing sense of smell or taste or sight or touch, some incredible intuition, some a gift for growing and nurturing plants and trees, some for mathematics, some for science, some for writing, some for building, some for inventing, some for exploring, some for healing, some for teaching and guiding, some for craftsmanship, and on and on. There were so many, many, many, many gifts that a human could get from the fairies. Each human would be given the gift from a single fairy who would then watch over them and secretly try throughout their lives to help them understand, utilize, and enhance their gifts for their own contentment and happiness as well as the content and happiness for all on the Earth. To this day, this Fairy Gifting continues. The Fairies take great joy in this gifting to human beings. “Daddy, is that story really, really, truly true, do you promise?” “Oh yes sweetheart that story is as true as rain is wet.” “What is my gift, daddy? Who is my special fairy?” “Ah, you will have to discover your fairy on your own dear as no one can tell another who their fairy is. As to your fairy gift, that is for you to discover too, but I know that you are the most wonderful, special gift to me.” (In a whisper as she falls off to sleep) “I love you, daddy.” As the father leaves the room, his special fairy says to herself that the gift of storytelling and truth were the right one for him. The girl’s fairy looks on with delight as what a future awaits this special child. _____________________________________________________________________________ Praise by Red Bear Praise must be genuine and authentic. When truthfully shared, praise is a gift that one shares as an acknowledgement and honoring. Praise isn’t to be offered to manipulate or to be used as a deceptive strategy. To praise one’s SELF is vital. With humility and gratitude always present, one needs to praise one’s self for who one is and for what one does. This doesn’t mean puffing one’s self up with grandiose inflation----all that leads to is the inflation-deflation roller coaster which creates a great deal of frustration, anger, depression, despair and suffering. Clearly, one needs to be alert, awareness, and mindfulness that one balances continual meaningful work on needed change and growth with ongoing praise for who one is and what one does. Giving one’s SELF praise is very uplifting and energizing. Praising one’s Self is inspiring and motivating. • Do you praise yourself for who you are and what you do? Guided by being one’s true Self and Soul, one shouldn’t seek approval from others or avoid other’s disapproval. The People Pleasing Addiction Is one that always creates problems and leads to suffering. However, receiving heartfelt, truthful praise from others is a wondrous gift. Equally important is giving others praise in all one’s relationships. Praise shared with others demonstrates one’s awareness, understanding, compassion, and kindness. Sharing praise allows times of conflict and confrontation to be received in a way that can lead to meaningful dialogue towards individual and relationship change and growth. Balancing sharing praise and sharing confrontation and conflict is the cornerstone and foundation of relationships. The good enough and the abundant spouse is flowing with praise to their spouse about who they are as an individual and marital partner as well as what they do within the home and outside the home. The good enough and the abundant parent shares praise about who their daughter or son is as a human being as well as what they do in the home and outside the home. The good enough and abundant social worker, counselor, psychologist and educator shares praise for who their students are as unique individuals and what their students do. Without clear communication of praise, the inevitable conflict that comes with all relationships escalates and is, at best, unproductive and, at worst, destructive. Further, a relationship without praise can become mechanical and numb; two robots exchanging information in a terse, tedious interaction. • Reflect on your praising or lack of praising others. • Do you need to be sharing praise? With whom? What is burnout ???? Burnout takes place when outer situations, events, problems, interactions and relationships are internalized as overwhelming stress and anxiety. When one ignores, represses, denies, seeks to escape from or attacks what is stressful and anxiety provoking in one’s outer life over an extended period of time, one burns out. Burnout is debilitating suffering that results from not accepting, learning from and growing from pain, Burnout can be prevented! Even burnout itself offers the opportunity to change, learn and grow. Burnout does not occur because of what is happening in one’s outer life. Burnout is always a result of what is happening in one’s inner world. Living on a roller coaster of surviving then burning out then surviving takes away from being truly ALIVE…. from being truly alive with passion and peacefulness... from being truly alive in one’s Self and Soul (Warrior and Lover). … Kevin Red Bear Dubrow LCSW Kevin Red Bear Dubrow LCSW offers programs and workshops to prevent burnout and learn from burnout; he offers over 40 different programs and workshops including one’s on stress, anxiety, despair and fear. He also offers individual and group mentorship for teenagers, young adults and adults who seek to stop burning out and learn from stress, anxiety, despair, fear and burnout. Call 708.387.1210. Say adios to burnout! Red Bear’s Journey March 2006 Newsletter Kevin Red Bear Dubrow 3640 Prairie Avenue Brookfield, IL 60513 Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself. I am large. I contain multitudes. … Walt Whitman |
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